The GOPscars – Craziest Campaign Adverts

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Possibly the best thing about having a Republican field all bordering on clinically insane is that it makes for some incredible campaign adverts. I don’t think I’m alone in harbouring a suspicion that the each of the candidates is a comedian and they are just playing a big joke on us all. But I can’t prove that (yet), so for now we’ll have to assume they’re real and that the below adverts were actually produced in order to win elections.

And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, the nominations for the GOPscar for Craziest Advert of the Year…

5. Newt Gingrich – The French Connection

This recent Gingrich-funded attack on Mitt Romney starts out seeming like your average, run of the mill Republican advert. We get all the standard soundbites, from ‘Massachusetts moderate’ to ‘taxpayer-funded abortions’, but then comes the killer blow:

…and just like John Kerry… He speaks French, too!

French!? He’s lost my vote. A President who could speak another language? Preposterous!

4. NHLiberty4Paul – The Manchurian Candidate

If Gingrich’s advert was baffling, this one is just disgusting. Named after the novel and film about an American brainwashed into becoming a Communist sleeper agent, the advert accuses Jon Huntsman of being un-American due to his involvement in China (where he worked for, um, the United States government). The line is crossed when the advert uses his adopted Chinese and Indian children to attempt to score a political point against him, in a manner reminiscent of those silly attacks on politicians who drive BMWs for not ‘buying American’.

Except not so much silly as abhorrent.

I should point out that the advert has nothing to do with Ron Paul himself, and there has been speculation on the internet that it was actually a Huntsman supporter who made it, to gain publicity and sympathy for his candidate. Personally, I hope it is a fake, as I don’t want to believe that someone thought that publicising an opponent’s adopted children was a good way to win an election.

3. Rick Santorum – Pop Up

After that horrible anti-Huntsman advert, here’s a goofy little spot showing Rick Santorum displaying all the qualities you need to be leader of the free world, like playing boardgames and coaching little league baseball. It’s a strangely effective advert, because you’re so distracted wanting to punch him in the face for those annoying 90s-style pop up balloons and lines like:

Rick is very good at passing… LEGISLATION that is!

…that you forget about his awful, awful policies.

2. Herman Cain – Now Is The Time For Action

This is just fantastic. The advert itself says nothing; there’s no hint of policies in there, no mention of how he’s going to ‘take this country back’, not even the vaguest clue of what he stands for. But it simply doesn’t need it. The last fifteen seconds of that advert are the best bit of political campaigning I think I’ve ever seen: the chief of staff takes a drag of a cigarette, acting like the coolest kid in school, before cutting to the candidate cracking a smile in super slow-motion. More adverts like this and he could’ve got over those accusations of sexual harassment!

Though I think now I can see how they arose…

And the winner is…

1. Rick Perry – Strong

It takes something special to rack up more dislikes on YouTube than Rebecca Black’s Friday, but Rick Perry managed it with this attack on homosexuals, non-Christians and sanity. There is enough crazy in his opening line alone to make your head explode:

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian, but you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

It really is one of those moments where you quite honestly have no idea where to start correcting him, because this sentence is so wrong that it bursts out of the realms of truth and falsehood and into some other baffling dimension, where I simply don’t have the words to address it. There is really no way to argue against Perry in this advert, because any attempt will inevitably be met with him asking how you can say such a thing when Muslim paedophiles are busy plotting with Barack Obama and the liberal media to pulp all of America’s Bibles in order to make floats for Gay Pride parades. And he’ll mean it.

And for that, Mr Perry, you deserve your GOPscar.

Click here for a selection of parodies of our winner, and here for a wonderful Cain parody starring Mike Tyson.

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About ourfriendsinthewest

A British take on American politics.

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